ABOUT ME

Jul 1

VCR are my initials; Valerie Christine Rowe. I am a 28 year old creative born and raised in Colorado Springs. This blog post is to show you a fraction of the moments, people, and environments who shaped me to who I am today. To summarize this has been extremely difficult as I feel as if I spend more time taking pictures than I do breathe lol. In the following images you will be able to tell that the concept of family is very important to me and a core foundation to who I am. I thank God, the universe; for how I was blessed, for how I was hurt & burned, and just every moment I had to pass and feel.

PART ONE

CHILDHOOD | CORE MEMORIES

Euphoric and melancholy nostalgia. The late 90s-early 2000s were the best time of my life to be completely honest. Even though I was a young girl, everything just seemed easier in how i’m observed the adults in my life.

My family was by no means well off my dad was a handyman/custodian and my mom was a stay at home parent. Even being a low income family there was always food on the table and a roof over our heads. They took us on trips, made sure we had special holidays, and prioritized our happiness.

I grew up with three sisters; two older and one younger. we spent our childhood putting on plays for our parents, making silly music videos & scripted movies, playing barbies and bratz, photoshoots, played pretend, etc. we were all each others best friends. I feel very fortunate to have grown up with great examples of sisterhood and just womanhood in general.

If I were to relive this part of my life, I wouldn’t because it was so special. I always hoped when we pass in this life you get to rewatch your life as a movie but to genuinely go back and experience every moment again would take away how beautiful that memory was. Our memories are sacred and not one single moment can be duplicated.

It took a long time to let go of this chapter of my life, not that its forgotten or not apart of me but it being apart of my foundation is all I need to move forward and grow.

In summary, my childhood was incredible. I wouldn’t trade those memories for immortality. They mean the world to me.

I truly believe that these fundamental years of my life built me into the creative I am today. I just want to keep on creating beautiful memories and to capture the beautiful essence of each of my clients like my mother did for us four girls.

I want to draw and paint fearlessly how I did when I was five years old. I want to possess the confidence I had before I faced reality. it's ironic because as a little girl I just couldn’t wait to see what kind of women id become; and now she is the muse, she is the inspiration.

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PART 2

GIRL TO WOMAN | FIRST TASTE OF REALITY

A tornado of emotions come over me when looking back to my late teens entering my early twenties. I am not going to sugar coat it, I was a fucking hurricane. There was a lot going on and in-between trying to fit in, finding my footing in adulthood, and navigating relationships & friendships. I made mistakes like any other girl was at that age.

Honestly, it's hard to look back at these pictures because so much has changed; I endured a great deal of pain in these years. Especially when it came to my identity involving men. I suffered from body dysmorphia, sexual assault, ostracization, and my parents divorcing after 25 years of marriage. When going through this and your hormones being so sensitive between those ages; you don’t want to face any conflict and you don’t want to feel anything negative.

In a way my optimism saved me and hindered me at the same time. I pushed through it and I can say I came out on the other side okay but I wish back then I would have spoke up about my mental health and got the therapy I needed because there are so many things as someone in their late 20s, that I don’t know how to handle or don’t know why my trauma responses make me act the way I do presently.

2014 (18) Graduating from high school in, I wanted to be a model. I moved in with my older sister jade in LA. Reality hit me hard; I had no car, never worked a job, and was under the assumption I would just magically become a Victoria’s Secret model. I was told I needed to lose weight by most modeling agencies out there. I had already been pursuing modeling for four-five years prior to that. I was smart enough to know right then and there that I wasn’t built for this industry and I don’t mean physically, I mean in my soul I knew if I were going to ‘make it’ id have to corrupt my morals in one way or another.

2015 (19) I moved back to Colorado Springs and worked the shittiest jobs you could ever imagine but in that is when my love for photography started to build stronger each day.

2016 (20)I moved back to LA but in the pursuit of photography, it didn’t go as planned as usual. In that experience I was groomed by my manager then that’s what made me move back to Colorado by the end of the year. I lived with my cousins I basically grew up with in Old Town Colorado Springs, started working at Ohana Kava Bar, and by the end of 2016 that is a time I can look back at and smile. Blissfully unaware that everything in my life would change completely. At this time my parents had decided to divorce.

2017 (21) No joke literally top 3 worst years of my life. to keep it nice & brief I had made a decision about my body due to my own negligence and irresponsibility; My aunt and uncle asked me to move out, and my relationship with my cousins became extremely estranged. I guess looking back on it the most painful part was going to family gatherings and sitting alone most of the time when family gatherings used to be full of belly aching laughter. It still makes me tear up to this day.

2018 (22) I dated a guy from my high school, we trauma bonded on recently going through sort of break ups. we traveled, we healed alongside one another but once everything was said and done we didn’t want the same things

2019 (23) My cousin from Florida lived with me during the summer and worked at the kava bar with me. This was just what I needed when I was going through my breakup. that whole year was peaceful, freeing, and amazing

To this version of myself,

I forgive you for the mistakes you made; the miss judgements in who you could trust, the naiive nature you had, and for the people pleasing tendencies you had(and are still working on). We had to go through a lot to learn simple concepts but you kept your head up through it all. I'm very proud of every obstacle we overcame. We are now achieving so much professionally, mentally, physically, and emotionally. We couldn’t change a thing in how we did things or we would have never learned those lessons.

PART 3

HURT. HEAL. REPEAT.

After the dust settled after all the commotion from my early twenties, my friend was fatally murdered in Denver, CO just a couple days after her birthday. It sent my world upside down. I thought I had experienced it all like all 24 year olds believe but death and the aftermath of loss is something I had never experienced. It shakes you and sadly something you become more familiar with as you grow older.

In July of 2020 I moved up to Denver and commuted to The Root the second kava bar I worked at, this is where I met my ex. The community offered healing that I needed at the time, a second home for when I was anxious in my new apartment in Denver. At this point I picked up a nicotine habit and had no appetite whatsoever. by the end of that year I started working at a grow and that was one of the most toxic work environments I had ever worked in. The most money I had ever made but at the same time only had one day off and for a brief moment worked at the kava bar as well. With no appetite and curving my grief with becoming a workaholic pounds just were slipping off of me and some days I would turn green and get dizzy from not being able to stop.

In July of 2021 I moved in to a three bedroom house with my little sister. At this point my ex and I’d relationship is falling apart. he started working at a kava bar in Fort Collins, to say it wasn't my scene was an understatement. I quit the grow eruptly and start trying to work at the other location of the new kava bar in Fort Collins in hopes to save our relationship. It was too far so my manager sent me to Colorado Mountain Kava in Longmont. That was a fun time because I was one of the first tenders and it felt good to be apart of something new and help build a kava community. By the end of 2021 I adopted my sweet Leilani a Australian shepherd/Pomsky mix; one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

At the beginning of 2022 my ex and I called it quits, I was devastated. I put so much of my heart into it and really wanted it to work. which now looking back i’m so grateful everything went the way it did. A couple of months go by and I decide to break off completely because I got to the point where I didn’t see it working out ever and it hurt too much to be on talking terms. He started following me to both bars I worked at and threatened suicide at one point. we ended up having to ban him. after that was all said and done I made the mistake to try and put myself out there again but not for a serious relationship but just for simple fun. it wasn’t simple and it wasn’t fun. it ended up damaging a lot of friendships and work dynamics to put it briefly. by the end of the year my little sis and I decide to live in Denver again.

2023 I got all moved in and made the decision to take a road trip to Arizona to shoot with a friend and stopped in Santa Fe on the way there where I reconnected with my current partner True. Now looking back I knew a guardian angel led me to him. I will go in deeper with true and I’s story in a separate blog post but he literally has been and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. One of the bars and I started having conflict then following a fall out. Even with it still being a little fresh and there is lingering animosity I genuinely wish them the best and pray for their success.

I was aiming towards full time creativity at the time but wasn’t financially ready. I started working at Lansing Building Products. It was interesting haha. I progressed fast and made good friends there, it was what I needed to not identify as a kava tender and to build my own identity outside of the kava community. Worked at four bars, the kava scene was all I knew and all that I found comfort in for 6 years straight. My partner works at one currently but I have decided to not work at one until it is one I own. (I plan to make a separate blog post about my kava journey in depth.)

In March of 2024 I had decided to quit my 9-5 in pursuit of my passion. I have been putting it on the back burner for so long that there’s no better time than now. Still struggling to build clientele and a name for myself in the creative community but I am determined to never quit. Im fortunate to have True’s support in all ways, he has been my rock and has helped me build my self esteem back up. My confidence has been built and broken down to dust countless times and often times it was ego that was being built in replacement of self empowerment & confidence; that without a doubt has been the most humbling experience.

I am very excited about this next chapter and to keep on growing in every aspect, if you made it this far; thank you for reading. I am trying to be more vulnerable and open about my experience as a creative, a woman, and everything in between.

Much love,

Valerie Christine Rowe | VCR Creatives LLC